This is a real listing, read the description and enjoy, I did.
I will also copy and paste the text.
This sort of thing makes me smile madly.
E-Bay listing.
cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=170592876400
WORDS:
Due to the increasing number of people that have a problem with their attention span, I decided to put the small print for the auction of my car up front.
The description of the car itself follows below!
1. The car is located in Stockport, Cheshire, England, which is 8 miles from Manchester, 90 miles from Birmingham, 40 miles from Chester, in the vicinity of the Peak District, and ca. 2 miles away from the M60 motorway.
It's not in Stockholm, Sweden, or Stockstadt, Germany. It is also not in one of the Newports, Southport or Southampton for that matter. It is also 200 miles from London, so driving here from the South East and being back for lunch will not work! Please spend the effort and look Stockport up in Google-Maps.
Can I please be assured now that you understood where the car is located and that you will not use 'I was unaware it is that far away' as an excuse to back out of the deal? If not, please feel free to contact me for further clarification.
2. The car is sold as seen as a restoration project. If it was a total rust bucket or total wreck, I would have weighed it in and not spent the effort to list it here on Ebay.
Unfortunately, with the indecently decadent hourly rates charged by garages nowadays, it would cost the national product of an African country to have it put right. Hence it will need some effort by the future owner. Please make sure that you understand that you are looking at a car which was built 45 years ago and hence isn't comparable with a new car. The car cannot be driven as is and needs to be transported.
3. Please refrain from calling me from the nearest railway station at 3:45 am and expect me to jump out of bed to pick you up. However, during halfways civilized times this is a matter of course, so is a decent cuppa upon arrival at my place.
4. Guarantee: I guarantee you lots of surprises and unforeseen stuff, hidden faults I'm unaware of, obvious faults like scratches, dents, rust spots, rot, oil leakages, faded paint, and so on, and so forth. You will be amazed how unpredictable classic car ownership can be. True old car enthusiasts are genuinely thrilled by this. This very mindset is what distinguishes them from new car buyers.
Please decide before you bid to which group you really belong.
5. The buyer acquires the car as seen and where it is located now. There is no posting. Payment will be in Pounds Sterling and settled before the car is loaded up. Persian carpets, Grandma's golden teeth, or soft currency rubbish from the end of the world will not be accepted. If need be, I can provide you with the address of a respectable pawn shop, but please make sure you have the funds to pay for the car before another collection appointment turns into a vexation for all parties involved.
Whoever thinks I'm daft enough to fall for the Nigeria-check-paid-too-much-transfer-funds-back-ship-car-curse word-take is very welcome. I know someone who collects exotic stamps and I use the envelopes and checks to get my fireplace going. But do not expect me to take the car to a seaport and go to one of those international money services conveniently located in the red-light-district to send real money to Nirvana.
To the contrary, even when you are from abroad, I expect you to show up in person, pay as outlined in 5., and in addition provide some form of legal identification like a driving license or passport, complete with a stamp from the UK immigration authorities.
Clear enough? If not, please feel free to contact me and I'll explain it in simple English.
7. I expect that the person picking up the car be the same that is listed in the address visible when I click on the 'order details' in Ebay. Please provide some form of proof when you pick up the car. Alternatively, you can send a transport company, in which case I want a business card from them and a countersigned written order of transport. I will not under any circumstances hand the car over without getting some signature or receipt.
It has happened that the gutted carcass of a car has been fished out of the North Sea and the last owner (in this case me) was forced to pay fines through his nose.
In the worst case, the car could get tangled into the propeller of a French ferry; the ferry traffic comes to a halt, which would inevitably put a strain onto the British-French friendship. Last time the British-French relations were disturbed was 250 years ago and led to the Seven Years' War, as a result half of Europe ended up in smoke and embers. I am not going to pay the bill for this!
The scam to send somebody else to pick up the car that then 'disappears' with it and me being taken to court for breach of contract won't work either - I know it already. Despite I find it rather creative, I never fell for it. Please click on a different auction if you want it to work.
8. Whoever now thinks 'ok, we'll get him some other way' will have tough luck, since I also know the Oriental Bazaar scam! To show up with 12 people moaning, whinging, shouting, menacing, threatening, giving presentations regarding high transport costs to export countries, high duties and customs there, hints to the non-profit nature of the goat-breeding-association in his home country - I have experienced it all. Please come up with something different to bore me out.
The brother of the uncle of the mother in law can stay at home too, he will not succeed either.
Trust me, I'm not born yesterday and have done some deals in my life.
9. I will friendly, but definitely, insist that the monetary amount displayed in the Ebay auction result field will end up in my pocket in cash, without any deductions whatsoever. Do not even think about showing up after the sale has been agreed to negotiate. If you so much as try, all you will experience is what it is like to merely be the sponsor of mineral oil or railway corporations, but your career as a price negotiation agent will fail miserably and inevitably. Trust me, I know the feeling of failure, been there, seen it, bought the T-shirt. All I want is to avoid you having it too. It should delight you sufficiently, that you get the car well below its actual value anyway and that this fact is a toad I have to swallow.
10. In the unlikely event that you pull a scam I don't know about yet, I will probably even laugh and applaud. Of course, you will be rewarded for it and I'll throw in a book of your choice written by Dr. Vernon Coleman free of charge.
11. I am fully aware of how politically incorrect my terms of sale are, so please refrain from telling me what a right-wing pig I am. The whole world is politically incorrect. I do not succumb to the retreat of reality in favour of this political correctness nonsense just because I'm told so by a government more immature than its constituency.
The bottom line: I expect a serious buyer who knows what he is doing and doesn't disappoint me. It's really that simple.
And now on to something entirely different. The car.
Morris Minor 1000 - first reg. 07-01-1965 – Honolulu Blue.
Restoration project for the hardcore spannerer. Or for export/dismantling for spares, albeit the latter would be a shame, since the car is a very straightforward restoration project.
No nasty tricks, what you see in the pictures is what you get. That’s why these are current pictures of the car, and not from a period when it was in the blossom of its life.
The car is complete, the parts which are missing in the pics are present. This comprises amongst other the interior, which was only removed to faciliate inspecting the floor and sills. All parts which have been removed are included in this auction and will be handed over to the future owner.
The car was driven where it is now. Ther eis nothing wrong with the engine, gearbox and rear axle. You have to take my word for it, because currently the fuel pipe is disconnected, the radiator removed (the former for safety reasons, the latter -again- to facilitate inspecting the bodywork) and the driveshaft has been removed as well. So the car doesn't run or drive at the moment.
The car has been retro-fitted with safety belts in the front.
Considering the car’s age, the interior is in very good nick. It needs a good clean, the driver seat needs a new cushion, but that's basically it.
Known faults:
I have found the following rotten areas. The rear inner wings, the front left inner wing where it meets the engine surround, the engine surround itself, both front wings, and the traverse underneath to which the jacking points are attached. The rest of the car appears to be solid. Please see the pictures I took.
Currently the brakes are not working, only the handbrake is.
No MOT, no tax.
I have misplaced the V5C, but it is easy enough to obtain a new one from the DVLA. I will issue a receipt of purchase.
Epilogue:
For the bidders who only look at the pictures and then go ‘oh, I’ve only noticed it three minutes before the auction ended’:
Do not only look at the pictures. Read what I wrote above, and then decide whether you still want to bid. I didn’t write all this for the fun of it!
Bid, pay, collect. In that order. This is the only way we will remain being friends!
You are very welcome to inspect the car beforehand, this is actually encouraged. Please feel free to contact me if you would like to come and visit.
PLEASE NOTE: I am a lot friendlier than this listing may suggest. I will also leave you alone when you view the car, so you can do this in peace, at your own pace, in a well lit and dry workshop. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask, I will answer them honest and to the best of my knowledge.
Please also note that I am not a business. I am a private collector and I wish I would have never had to say this: The reason for sale is the loss of my storage space. Hence the car needs to be removed by the 31st of January.
The listing is deliberately timed so that it includes a weekend. I try everything I can to give you the chance to come and have a look at the car! You can't blame me when the car isn't what you expected after you won it unseen.
The auction starts at 1 Pound, there is no reserve, the auction will under no circumstances be ended prematurely and the car is not adertised elsewhere.
Many thanks for your interest!
Good luck!
I will also copy and paste the text.
This sort of thing makes me smile madly.
E-Bay listing.
cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=170592876400
WORDS:
Due to the increasing number of people that have a problem with their attention span, I decided to put the small print for the auction of my car up front.
The description of the car itself follows below!
1. The car is located in Stockport, Cheshire, England, which is 8 miles from Manchester, 90 miles from Birmingham, 40 miles from Chester, in the vicinity of the Peak District, and ca. 2 miles away from the M60 motorway.
It's not in Stockholm, Sweden, or Stockstadt, Germany. It is also not in one of the Newports, Southport or Southampton for that matter. It is also 200 miles from London, so driving here from the South East and being back for lunch will not work! Please spend the effort and look Stockport up in Google-Maps.
Can I please be assured now that you understood where the car is located and that you will not use 'I was unaware it is that far away' as an excuse to back out of the deal? If not, please feel free to contact me for further clarification.
2. The car is sold as seen as a restoration project. If it was a total rust bucket or total wreck, I would have weighed it in and not spent the effort to list it here on Ebay.
Unfortunately, with the indecently decadent hourly rates charged by garages nowadays, it would cost the national product of an African country to have it put right. Hence it will need some effort by the future owner. Please make sure that you understand that you are looking at a car which was built 45 years ago and hence isn't comparable with a new car. The car cannot be driven as is and needs to be transported.
3. Please refrain from calling me from the nearest railway station at 3:45 am and expect me to jump out of bed to pick you up. However, during halfways civilized times this is a matter of course, so is a decent cuppa upon arrival at my place.
4. Guarantee: I guarantee you lots of surprises and unforeseen stuff, hidden faults I'm unaware of, obvious faults like scratches, dents, rust spots, rot, oil leakages, faded paint, and so on, and so forth. You will be amazed how unpredictable classic car ownership can be. True old car enthusiasts are genuinely thrilled by this. This very mindset is what distinguishes them from new car buyers.
Please decide before you bid to which group you really belong.
5. The buyer acquires the car as seen and where it is located now. There is no posting. Payment will be in Pounds Sterling and settled before the car is loaded up. Persian carpets, Grandma's golden teeth, or soft currency rubbish from the end of the world will not be accepted. If need be, I can provide you with the address of a respectable pawn shop, but please make sure you have the funds to pay for the car before another collection appointment turns into a vexation for all parties involved.
Whoever thinks I'm daft enough to fall for the Nigeria-check-paid-too-much-transfer-funds-back-ship-car-curse word-take is very welcome. I know someone who collects exotic stamps and I use the envelopes and checks to get my fireplace going. But do not expect me to take the car to a seaport and go to one of those international money services conveniently located in the red-light-district to send real money to Nirvana.
To the contrary, even when you are from abroad, I expect you to show up in person, pay as outlined in 5., and in addition provide some form of legal identification like a driving license or passport, complete with a stamp from the UK immigration authorities.
Clear enough? If not, please feel free to contact me and I'll explain it in simple English.
7. I expect that the person picking up the car be the same that is listed in the address visible when I click on the 'order details' in Ebay. Please provide some form of proof when you pick up the car. Alternatively, you can send a transport company, in which case I want a business card from them and a countersigned written order of transport. I will not under any circumstances hand the car over without getting some signature or receipt.
It has happened that the gutted carcass of a car has been fished out of the North Sea and the last owner (in this case me) was forced to pay fines through his nose.
In the worst case, the car could get tangled into the propeller of a French ferry; the ferry traffic comes to a halt, which would inevitably put a strain onto the British-French friendship. Last time the British-French relations were disturbed was 250 years ago and led to the Seven Years' War, as a result half of Europe ended up in smoke and embers. I am not going to pay the bill for this!
The scam to send somebody else to pick up the car that then 'disappears' with it and me being taken to court for breach of contract won't work either - I know it already. Despite I find it rather creative, I never fell for it. Please click on a different auction if you want it to work.
8. Whoever now thinks 'ok, we'll get him some other way' will have tough luck, since I also know the Oriental Bazaar scam! To show up with 12 people moaning, whinging, shouting, menacing, threatening, giving presentations regarding high transport costs to export countries, high duties and customs there, hints to the non-profit nature of the goat-breeding-association in his home country - I have experienced it all. Please come up with something different to bore me out.
The brother of the uncle of the mother in law can stay at home too, he will not succeed either.
Trust me, I'm not born yesterday and have done some deals in my life.
9. I will friendly, but definitely, insist that the monetary amount displayed in the Ebay auction result field will end up in my pocket in cash, without any deductions whatsoever. Do not even think about showing up after the sale has been agreed to negotiate. If you so much as try, all you will experience is what it is like to merely be the sponsor of mineral oil or railway corporations, but your career as a price negotiation agent will fail miserably and inevitably. Trust me, I know the feeling of failure, been there, seen it, bought the T-shirt. All I want is to avoid you having it too. It should delight you sufficiently, that you get the car well below its actual value anyway and that this fact is a toad I have to swallow.
10. In the unlikely event that you pull a scam I don't know about yet, I will probably even laugh and applaud. Of course, you will be rewarded for it and I'll throw in a book of your choice written by Dr. Vernon Coleman free of charge.
11. I am fully aware of how politically incorrect my terms of sale are, so please refrain from telling me what a right-wing pig I am. The whole world is politically incorrect. I do not succumb to the retreat of reality in favour of this political correctness nonsense just because I'm told so by a government more immature than its constituency.
The bottom line: I expect a serious buyer who knows what he is doing and doesn't disappoint me. It's really that simple.
And now on to something entirely different. The car.
Morris Minor 1000 - first reg. 07-01-1965 – Honolulu Blue.
Restoration project for the hardcore spannerer. Or for export/dismantling for spares, albeit the latter would be a shame, since the car is a very straightforward restoration project.
No nasty tricks, what you see in the pictures is what you get. That’s why these are current pictures of the car, and not from a period when it was in the blossom of its life.
The car is complete, the parts which are missing in the pics are present. This comprises amongst other the interior, which was only removed to faciliate inspecting the floor and sills. All parts which have been removed are included in this auction and will be handed over to the future owner.
The car was driven where it is now. Ther eis nothing wrong with the engine, gearbox and rear axle. You have to take my word for it, because currently the fuel pipe is disconnected, the radiator removed (the former for safety reasons, the latter -again- to facilitate inspecting the bodywork) and the driveshaft has been removed as well. So the car doesn't run or drive at the moment.
The car has been retro-fitted with safety belts in the front.
Considering the car’s age, the interior is in very good nick. It needs a good clean, the driver seat needs a new cushion, but that's basically it.
Known faults:
I have found the following rotten areas. The rear inner wings, the front left inner wing where it meets the engine surround, the engine surround itself, both front wings, and the traverse underneath to which the jacking points are attached. The rest of the car appears to be solid. Please see the pictures I took.
Currently the brakes are not working, only the handbrake is.
No MOT, no tax.
I have misplaced the V5C, but it is easy enough to obtain a new one from the DVLA. I will issue a receipt of purchase.
Epilogue:
For the bidders who only look at the pictures and then go ‘oh, I’ve only noticed it three minutes before the auction ended’:
Do not only look at the pictures. Read what I wrote above, and then decide whether you still want to bid. I didn’t write all this for the fun of it!
Bid, pay, collect. In that order. This is the only way we will remain being friends!
You are very welcome to inspect the car beforehand, this is actually encouraged. Please feel free to contact me if you would like to come and visit.
PLEASE NOTE: I am a lot friendlier than this listing may suggest. I will also leave you alone when you view the car, so you can do this in peace, at your own pace, in a well lit and dry workshop. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask, I will answer them honest and to the best of my knowledge.
Please also note that I am not a business. I am a private collector and I wish I would have never had to say this: The reason for sale is the loss of my storage space. Hence the car needs to be removed by the 31st of January.
The listing is deliberately timed so that it includes a weekend. I try everything I can to give you the chance to come and have a look at the car! You can't blame me when the car isn't what you expected after you won it unseen.
The auction starts at 1 Pound, there is no reserve, the auction will under no circumstances be ended prematurely and the car is not adertised elsewhere.
Many thanks for your interest!
Good luck!