Letter from Manila - Santol - of course!

You know where this is going already, don't you?

Let me set the scene.

George B is going for a beer. He's going for his first beer outside the house since March 17. It is a novelty, something to look forward to.

Madam's new part-time driver has been pre-warned several times to collect me from the house at 11:30 and convey me to Howzat. Pretty simple, straightforward and unequivocal.

Everything is okay. Isn't it?

Not so. it appears the driver has a back problem. He can't get off it in the mornings and it seems it's not the first time he's been late. However, it's the first time he's been late for me, so now his affliction is not important. His ex-career with us spanned just two weeks. I don't feel the need to award a gold watch for long service.

So, horror of horrors, flag down a taxi. Madam offered to drive me herself but then added, "...but you not like my driving." This is a huge understatement, it terrifies me! Anyway, the taxi driver actually knows where he's going. Must have put lockdown to good use and studied a map book, or something. We arrive at Howzat.

Outside, it has four tables, considerably down on its usual number, but no matter. I grab an empty one. Little chappie sashays over.

"Yes, Sir?"

"I'd like a San Mig Light please."

"Ah, sorry Sir. You have to go inside if you want to avail of alcoholic beverage." Yes, some really do speak like this. I blame the lawyers being everywhere.

"Can I smoke inside?"

"No, Sir, you have to come outside and sit at one of these tables for that."

"But I can't have a beer here?"

"No Sir, it's against the law." Obviously I'd missed this one going through the Senate, but it must be for my own good.

"Okay, I'll go inside." I start to amble off. He's not finished with me yet though.

"You need to fill in this form."

The aforementioned document demands to know if I am, ever have been or know anyone who is riddled with COVID. I answer negatively. It also wants to know if I've been anywhere that has been affected by the disease. I hesitate, as where hasn't? I've not been to Antarctica which would probably have put me in the clear, but I figured that the Philippines doesn't count, so answer 'No'.

We've still not finished yet.

He asks for identification (maybe I don't look old enough?), photographs my driving licence, sprays my hands with cleanser and takes my temperature. I am finally allowed through the hallowed portal.

I find another table to which a little girly trip-traps over.

"I'd like a San Mig Light, please?"

"Sorry, you have to order food, then I bring drink, it's the law." Really? Someone in Congress actually felt that they were protecting the population from the spread of COVID if people were forced to order something to eat before they could have a beer?

"Okay, I'll have a portion of fries and make the San Mig a bucket."

My beer arrives (in a glass, drinking from the bottle is, you guessed it, against the law today.) along with a bowl of fries which taste vaguely of fish.

Now, imagine this. The tables have a piece of transparent plastic fastened on two sticks, a bit like a ping-pong net but raised up a bit, so more like miniature vollyball court. Anyway, it's obviously going to protect me from my diseased colleague. Problem is, when we try to talk, with the three different sports showing on the televisions, all with the sound up, I can't hear an effin word.

We move around the table, the waitress objects, telling us it's against...well, I don't need to spell it out.

My friend tries to delay the food order and asks for a beer whilst he makes his mind up. She's obviously heard this one before and she's having none of it, pointedly ignoring him until he cracks. That'll be another bowl of fishy fries then.

After an hour or so we give up, both of us none the wiser, I flag another taxi and head home.

That'll be the last beer I be going out for until all the restrictions have been lifted. I just hope someone remembers to repeal all the "laws" that have sprung up.