Enough of politics for now.
The other day I was corresponding with a mate of mine who resides in KL and drives a Discovery with a very tasteful, and very heavy, steel front bumper. The main use for this being the ramming of taxis at every available opportunity, such is his hatred of the breed there. And who can blame him?
This got me to thinking. In my Range Rover thread last year, we looked at possible openings for the weary ex-pat to live in these beautiful islands and still earn a crust. Here...
retrorides.proboards.com/thread/157765/1995-range-rover-p38-broken?page=25So I decided it was time to look at another career possibility for those tired of the rat race and lousy weather. Without further ado, I give you...
How to be…A Manila Taxi DriverLife too fast? Need to slow down? Want a change of pace? Then become a Manila Taxi Driver.
This little handy pull-out-and-keep guide will tell you everything you need to know about driving a taxi in Manila. We’ll take you through the licensing process, choosing a vehicle, describe “The Knowledge”, consider customer service and also discuss the pros and cons of your chosen profession. So, without further ado…
Obtaining Your LicenceBefore you start on your new chosen career path, you’ll need a license of course. The main reason for this is that the police, when they pull you over for some imaginary traffic “infringement”, will need it as a bargaining chip whilst you negotiate the “on-the-spot fine”.
Now for those, like you, who’ll earn their keep by ferrying unsuspecting punters around, you’ll need a ‘Professional Drivers Licence’ which appears to have been named thus without a single trace of irony. As ever in the Philippines, there are two ways of obtaining this document, so take your pick. You can spend unproductive hours, even days, filling out endless forms and traipsing from one window to another down your local friendly LTO office or, alternatively, pop into “Mrs Sanchez’s Dodgy I.D. Emporium 'n' Cafe” and emerge, smiling, ten minutes later with your new licence to print money.
Don’t worry about the legitimacy of this. By my guess at least 70% of the drivers on the roads aren’t fit to hold a driving license legally anyway, so why should you bother?
The CarNow you are ready to hit the road. But in what? Again, there are options. You can drive for someone else, which involves tooling around in some old beater of a Toyota or Hyundai and pay the owner a daily “Boundary”, between Peso500-1000 for the pleasure of a collapsed driver’s seat and no suspension whatsoever, or buy your own quality vehicle.
Assuming you decide to go the latter route, there are, as you would expect for a public hire vehicle, some strict rules and guidelines that must be followed:-
The car must be white, or pink (stick-on Hello Kitty ears optional), or green and yellow
It must have four doors (at least two of which shall be dented)
There must be no mechanism to lower any of the windows
The air-con must be on its last legs or, preferably, failed altogether
Seats must, as a minimum, be no more comfortable than a church pew. Conscientious owners will often exceed this standard by installing little pokey bits that make finding an even tolerable position impossible
Shock absorbers are not allowed
Brake lights must be disabled
All taxis must be fitted with an approved meter
If operable door mirrors are fitted to your car, these should be smashed against a parked vehicle at the earliest opportunity. Replacement is not recommended.
The use of ‘slick’ tyres is preferred
Route KnowledgeSo, now you have your license and your wheels, you’ve chosen some improbable name for your company and had it painted on your front doors by Mr Sanchez “Signwroter to the Tsars”, so what’s next?
We are all familiar with the test that London Black Cab drivers must take. Known as “The Knowledge” it involves riding around the metropolis for months on end with a little notebook and A-Z strapped to your handlebars memorising every street, turn and alternative route within the boundaries of that huge city. The culmination of this will be a test with strict pass/fail criteria before you are let loose.
In Manila? Well, as your first passenger is probably going to be a tourist with little or no knowledge of the city, why not join him? No-one likes a smartarse anyway and the advantage of this approach is twofold. One, it saves you the bother of learning all those bloody roads and two, the tourist gets a rare opportunity to see those parts of the capital that most, including you, never even knew existed. The journey’s end is signalled by pulling up outside some likely looking building and demanding a ridiculous sum of money.
The tourist will gladly pay this as a sign of appreciation of their recent “real Manila” experience.
The other upside to this complete lack of geographical knowledge is that you are helping your fellow cabbies as the tourist, finally realising they are now miles from their desired destination, is forced to flag down another cab, whereupon the process will be repeated.
Customer Service?I’m glad you asked that. As Rule One for a taxi driver is that you never go anywhere unless you are getting at least 500 Pesos for the journey so, if a prospective punter has the temerity to wake you from your hard earned slumber, here are some stock phrases you must know for use at every opportunity:-
“Many traffic” – the default phrase anytime outside of a Sunday morning
“It rainy” – thus combining the avoidance of a metered fare with a helpful weather forecast
“Meter no work” – just because you’ve got to have one doesn’t mean it’s actually connected to anything. Only use this when the punter actually gets into the car
Note – never give the game away by asking, “Where that?”These phrases may be repeated, either singly, or in combination along with appropriate head shaking until the prospective punter cries out in frustration, “Alright, alright, I give you five hundred Peso” at which point, having hit your sweet spot, you secretly smile, grudgingly allow them access and depart on your Magical Mystery Tour.
You may wish to engage your passengers in conversation but this must be restricted to; “Where you from?” and “You want girl?” Anything further is unnecessary and just these two phrases alone have probably taxed your language skills to the limit anyway.
Rules of the RoadAlthough the Philippines probably has hundreds of these, no-one either knows or obeys any of them. There are, however, some that must be stringently adhered to by taxi drivers:-
The indicators must never be used. If, by accident, you happen to hit the stalk, it is forbidden to subsequently cancel the signal until at least 24 driving-hours from initial activation have passed.
Use of the interior mirror to monitor following traffic is forbidden. Using it to try and get a glimpse of the bar-girl’s panties in the back seat is fine however.
Headlights must only ever be employed as a tool of intimidation, never of illumination.
When things are a bit quiet, you must swerve from one side of the road to the other whilst honking your horn to entice anyone with the gall to be walking instead of giving you PHP500.
Whilst doing the above, you must never exceed 20kph, no matter how many vehicles are queued behind you.
At junctions, never give way. This can lead to some interesting encounters with your main rival, the Jeepney, but whilst you’re sorting the mess out, at least you haven’t got to drive in “many traffic”, so relax. It’s not like you’ll ever have the damage repaired anyway.
If the taxi in front pulls up to a prospective client, do the same. He may make the mistake of demanding an even more outrageous fare than you, so when the punter slams the door in disgust, you are ready to pounce and claim your rightful five hundred. Note; when carrying out this manoeuvre, never, ever be parallel to the curb. A minimum angle of 45 degrees is required so that following traffic just can’t quite squeeze between you and the cars double parked across the street.
Once your customers are comfortably(?) inside, haphazardly pull back into the traffic with no concern for other vehicles.
If sitting at red traffic lights (unusual, I know) on no account should you move when the signal turns green for at least 30 seconds. There are probably lots of good reasons for this but the most likely one is that in the intervening stationary period, what with eyeing that girlie, sending an SMS and picking your nose, you have actually forgotten that you are driving a motor vehicle.
Continuous use of your mobile phone is compulsory.
And finally, whenever you are motionless, you must open your door, hack loudly and spit lovingly onto the road. Even if you can hear your passengers heaving in the back.
Ups and DownsWell, apart from driving in Manila (and we’ve already seen how much of this can be avoided) then there aren’t really any downsides to your chosen career.
On the reverse of the coin, you are your own boss and, as you lovingly cast an eye across your dusty, split and sagging dashboard or peer myopically through your cracked and filthy windscreen, you realise you are the master of all you survey. You get to be rude, surly and aggressive, all whilst charging a fortune on those rare occasions when someone accedes to your ridiculous demands, and when you’re empty, you have the satisfaction of knowing that your incomparable driving style has sent several score of your fellow motorists into the stratosphere of stress.
You can also rightfully take pride in the fact that your attitude and complete inability to get anyone to anywhere they want to go, has significantly contributed to the massive rise in private vehicle ownership across the city.
So, congratulations, you are now a true wibblepoo of the Road who gets maximum job satisfaction every day, and how many of us can say that?
Time to kick back, relax, drop the old heart rate and become a Manila Taxi Driver!
Oh, just one shortcoming I’ve remembered. Keep a wary eye out for a rather lovely green Range Rover driven by a White Guy. He sees you merely as a sport which he calls, appropriately, “Let’s F*ck Up a Taxi Driver’s Day”.
Good luck!
Oh dear, I enjoyed that. I can picture the scene down the pub after work. Excellent. 
Prison beckons. The reason for them isolating it? They'd had a spurious brake application and didn't want to upset the soup of the passengers in the Pullmans. Appears Manila doesn't have exclusive rights to idiocy.
