Letter from Manila - Santol - of course!

Well, what can I say?

I can say that as of about six minutes ago, we now have four dogs.

Having just returned from my Sunday morning run - not me running, God forbid, the '38, I was greeted with, "Darling, Barangay Chairman (ours, not the Tondo halfwit) want me to take this Shih Tzu in. He homeless because owner not know how to look after her. She is man, very dirty and got many cockroach." Let me explain this irresistible sales patter. Filipinas in general have a gender problem. Not about their own, just everyone else's. He, she, him, her are regularly transposed. Keeps you on your toes in a conversation. "Many cockroach" will be fleas or nits. To Madam, any flying insect is a mosquite, and walking one a cockroach, except ants, which are ants. All clear now? Good.

"Remember, you rescue Lola." she mentions, like she's got one owing her, forgetting completely that it was her that was talked into the original two as well.

I shrugged my shoulders as if to say, "Does my opinion matter?" which was taken for an unqualified, "Do it my sweet, lets take in this smelly, dirty, flea infested item. Do it now!" And with a, "YAY!" five minutes later, we did.

Anyway, dog has been carted straight off to the beauty parlour/vets for a insecticide shampoo, hair cut and the purchase of some long term flea/nit killer that we use on the other three. Oh, and apparently is called Whiskey, so that's easy to remember, and a remarkably un-Filipino name as well. Let's see how he gets on with the other three.

I can also say that as of Wednesday (I think, or Tuesday) Madam will be smoking around in one of these...



Thus banishing the crappy Fortuner to purgatory, where it surely belongs.

I am also delighted to report that today is Fiesta in our little Barangay 761, so it's likely that much food will be consumed along with considerable amounts of alcohol. Which, when you think about it, is what Sundays are ideally made for.

One other bit of good news is that it's school enrolment time again. Of course, those of you that actually read this tripe will wonder why the annual pain and heartache this causes is good news. I'll tell you why, 'cause I'll be at work, so Madam will have to do it this year*. As I say, good news!

Happy Fiesta!

* Edit to say, I was wrong!

Erm, he's a her!

Just back from the "Beauty Parlour". Reckon I should ask for my money back?

Yes, they're scabs.









A face only a mother could love!

She's covered in dying lice, I reckon you'll hear them crunch underfoot there's that many.

Anyway, she's safe and sound now. We'll soon have her where she should be.

Any road up, this has arrived at Casa San Andreas, which pleases Madam no end. Me too now I think on. Happy Madam means happy house.



Not Tuesday, nor Wednesday, but Thursday. "So what?" you ask, "What's another day?"

Let me explain (as best I can) another fine bit of Philippine bureaucracy...

When you buy a new car, it doesn't come with its final registration number, oh no, it has what they call a conduction code - whatever that is. Don't ask me why. Seems to me if someone is sitting dishing out conduction codes, they'd be just as well employed sorting registrations. But that's just not the way it happens here. Why have one level of fiddling, when you can have at least two?

We also have number coding, that is the one day of the week when you can't drive your car in Manila. "Your" day is taken from the last number of the registration, or prior to that, your conduction code, in this case 7. For example, the '38, whose plate ends in 1, is grounded on Mondays.

So the garage ring her and tell her that her now motor is ready for collection, when? Well given that 7 = Thursday, on the one day it shouldn't be on the road! Clever huh?

She drove it home anyway, it's not far, but her first day of ownership could very easily have seen her supplying some "Tea Money" to one of Metropolitan Manila Development Agency's finest Elite Traffic Enforcers.

Good eh?

And what's even better, you have no guarantee as to the last number of your registration (when it finally gets issued - the last one took nine months) so you could, after a fairly lengthy period, end up with a completely different coding day!

Took it out this morning, as I took the day off to go and enrol Tania at the world famous Malate Catlick School (a whole different (failure) story) and it goes like a stabbed rat when provoked. A much better drive than the Toyota in every way. I even like the HUD speedo! 

It's getting it's first good run tonight as well, as it's taking Kuya, Madam and Tania down to Bauan in Batangas, around 120km away. They've been invited down for the town's fiesta by Kuya's mum. I was asked too but, well, someone's got to stay back and drink in peace look after the dogs!

Actually I'd like to have gone and be out of Manila for a weekend, but the new canine arrival is only just getting used to us, never mind throwing her into the middle of a full blown, industrial-grade party. The poor thing would spend the weekend cowering under something. No fun. We'll have her ready for next year though.

I shall take myself down the supermarket in the morning to buy some crusty bread, a hefty red wine and the wherewithal to make a proper beef casserole. Luxury.

When my next invoice gets paid, I'll ask Kuya to look after the herd and the three of us will go away for a weekend somewhere. Maybe Subic or Matagumpay, we'll see. 

Starting to look better. Scabs are going...








Feeling more at home? Kinda looks like it.


But still got a face like a cracked drain!

Don't know what's happened, but both her top canines have been snapped in half. She's only really got her molars and with that bottom jaw, she eats like a back-hoe!

I'm guessing that some hair will improve overall looks.

In fact, she's that ugly, she's almost beautiful.

And for those complaining about car content, there was some back on page 98, or thereabouts, I'll have you know. On top of that, there was Madam's new Mazda as well. On this very page. I'm bloody spoiling you!  

Hmm, Some not quite getting the concept of 'Readers Other Modifications'.

Whaddya mean? I modified an entire life!

And anyway, it's got lows and a modded front end, what more do you want?





Ah, yes. When she started coming over again after we'd moved, she was saying all the right things, but she eventually told Madam that she wasn't telling her mother where she was. And that would just store up trouble we certainly don't need. I sat her down and told her she was more than welcome to visit or even move back in, but she had to face up to her mother and tell her first.

Never seen her since.

She did manage to get a new dress and shoes for her school prom first though and you can't help but think, if you just happened to be cynical, that this was on parental instruction.

So it's just me, Madam and Tania, which makes life simple(ish).

I like simple.

Me? Nooo. Actually, yes. But I blame the natives for that!

This is true, sad but true.

Last of the casserole will get demolished tonight.



And for those wanting actual car content, snapped these when I wandered down the shops yesterday.







The Beetle is for sale if anyone's interested.

The new mutt reminds me of a cat I used to have. I called him Zachary. Mainly because his face looked Zachary like its ars

So the burning question is, why do my teeth hurt when I arrive at the office in the morning and get home in the evening? I have noticed that on the three occasions in the last fortnight when I have driven myself in the ’38, this phenomenon disappears. The only explanation therefore is that Ricky, the driver, makes me grind them something chronic!

And why? Well, in addition to his accepted haphazard acceleration/braking patterns and his complete inability to stay at a constant speed, even on an empty highway, he has now instigated an all new Bump Avoidance Policy. Rather than allow the cleverly designed suspension to smooth out the potholed Manila roads, he’s taken manual control of this function and now swerves wildly at the slightest surface imperfection, thus introducing a whole new layer of G-forces to the journey. Gonna need a neck like David Coulthard at this rate.

Our Ricky’s also started using his horn even more than before. Whereas at one point, there was a certain logic to it, i.e. warning oblivious motorcyclists of his erratic and potentially fatal approach, now he seems happy to fire off a peep or two at anything that takes his fancy. This is often the poor guy who has Ricky sitting on his rear three quarter. Not overtaking, that would call for a decision, just hanging there, front wing overlapping the others rear, thus preventing the guy from pulling out to avoid that mysteriously stopping jeepney, and getting an indignant hoot should he even look like he may try to. Of course, the guy could accelerate, then pull out, but that too would call for conscious thought, so he doesn’t. Then this morning, we were in the left hand lane on a busy road, as we were about to turn right, Philippine style, when Ricky cut loose with a furious fusillade of honking at someone who had the temerity of being in the right hand lane, turning left. Really, some people!

And, to the further detriment of my mental health, I’ve now noticed that he hums. Nope, not popular tunes from the Philippine hit parade, more like a conversation heard from behind a closed door. You can hear the cadence of speech, but not the content. All sorts of things set him off; that stopping Jeepney (well I never), every time the toll barrier fails to lift; mainly because he’s never got any load on his “Easy” Pass; not that this stops him from using the ‘Pass Only’ lane, which then means reversing back (humming loudly in surprise) into oncoming highway traffic to enter a ‘Cash’ lane. Any sort of traffic jam or something that may call for a decision; that can kick off a right old debate, that one. As you can imagine, he does it a lot and with his high pitched voice, it’s like sitting next to an effing Clanger.

Now I know why my teeth hurt!

Anyway, welcome to the rainy season, that time of year when the Walang Pasoks come thick and fast, and we fit the Shih Tzu’s with snorkels and mooring lines. The time of year when Manila City Hall resembles a medieval castle, surrounded by its moat of deeply flooded streets. The time of year when waterlogged traffic light controllers give up the ghost and allow their charges to randomly flash confusing colours at bemused motorists. The time of year when hundreds of for sale adverts for used cars, “100% flood-free” mysteriously start to appear. The time of year when you stand thigh deep in water whilst the handy Drown-o-Meter hasn’t even got its bottom wet.

It’s also the time of year when we celebrate Independence Day, looking back to June 12, eighteen ninety something, to be precise. This was when the Spaniards came second in the Spanish – American war, and the Philippines, with an eye to the main chance, quickly declared itself independent. The Americans disagreed and showed it by winning the brief American – Philippine war, thus gaining control of the country. So the Philippines was independent for around a week or so, and didn’t gain true autonomy (and a nice line in dictatorships) until July 1945. Still, who’s going to let stuff like that get in the way of a good day off.

Of course, the mighty Malate Catholic School has picked the week with two public holidays in it (it’s Eid on Thursday as well) to start back after the long break. They ignore Monday, and Tuesday is discussed above, so My Little Bottle Opener starts back on Wednesday, Eid in on Thursday and probably Walang Pasok on Friday. Welcome to another school year!