PART 2
Welcome back. And today we continue our peek into life in the Mysterious East, so without further ado…
ShoppingHo, ho, how appropriate for this time of year.
To be fair, this is not my area of expertise but, come December, the loins must be girded and shopping of sorts must be undertaken.
Asian cities are a Mecca of shopping malls. There’s hundreds, nay, possibly thousands of them. Often you’ll find malls dedicated to a single type of goods, such as Sim Lim Square in Singapore for electronics. In addition, some cater for a specific sector of society. Lucky Plaza on Orchard Road, again in Singapore for example, is targeted directly at the thousands of Filipino workers there, as is BB Plaza in Kuala Lumpur.
You really have two choices. Go to the top end places where you will be relieved of huge amounts of currency without anaesthetic, or go lower, pay less, and always wonder if that pair of Nikey trainers or that Rollex Hoister are the real thing.
Do not bother asking for advice. Everything is ‘top quality’ and ‘very cheap, I give you special discount’. Haggle anyway.
Only buy gold and jewellery where the locals do. Otherwise you’ll be attracted to magnets for the rest of your life. The various Chinatowns are often the best places for this, although some good antique stuff can be found in the smaller malls along Orchard Road in Singapore and the Little India area in the same city, up Serangoon Road is okay as well. Beware, of fake stuff, even I’ve been caught out on this! Do NOT fall for any of the Thai Jewellery Sale scams. There’s plenty if info on these out there.
Do not expect to take anything back. If you’ve bought the wrong thing, or it doesn’t work (it was made from cheese anyway – what did you expect?), or it doesn’t fit, find another use for it, give it away or go on a diet. Trying to return goods will take you longer than you have left to live. Trust me.
Ditto complaining. There is little that is a greater waste of time than complaining. The expression on their faces will soon make you realise where the word “inscrutable” came from.
The one good thing is that they will test anything electrical before you buy it. Witness the guy in Malaysia who tested an electric kettle I was buying by plugging it in and then sticking his finger on the element. Yup, that works!
Oh, and I guarantee that whatever you want will be “No stock” and no, they won’t know when any will be available. Again, in Malaysia, I was attempting to buy a fridge freezer, Madam had seen the one she wanted, we’d talked to the nice chappy, we’d bargained a bit, probably around 20 minutes in all. I said fine, and asked if it could be delivered the following morning. “Oh we haven’t actually got any, Sir.” I needed a very cold beer and a sit down after that one.
Again in Malaysia, we were buying a stand fan. “One of those please” and the girlie disappeared. She arrived back and took the offending item out of its packaging and looked most affronted when I pointed out that the screw which holds the blades to the spindle was missing. It was her last one she bemoaned and no Sir, she couldn’t possibly take the screw off the display item, who on earth would want a fan with no blades on it? Me, obviously, or so she thought.
No wonder I’m a bloody alcoholic. Which brings us nicely to…
DrinkingAt last, something I
am qualified to speak on.
Malaysia and Indonesia, being Muslim, are alcoholic wastelands once outside the major cities. You have been warned.
All the rest are fairly easy and you can get a drink pretty much anywhere. But beware of stuff like elections, King’s birthdays, etc., when many countries impose a temporary alcohol ban. You can get around this in some places and they will serve your beer in coffee pots and cups, but not everywhere is so accommodating. Note that this extends to shops as well, so if you are living there, get stocked up the week before. As an example, I had two cases of San Mig Light and two of red wine laid up to see me through the Pope’s visit. Just made it!
Foreign drinks are available in most of Asia but be prepared to pay outlandish sums for them, although wine in the Philippines isn’t a stupid price. Ideally stick local, which is what I do, but watch out for some of the spirits, if you’re that way inclined.
Be aware if you are out drinking with a bunch of Asians. They like it, a lot, and the goal seems to be how quick can we go from perfectly sensible to utterly comatose. The loser being the last man standing. Until this point arrives, drinks will come thick and, more to the point, fast. You are, as a foreigner, expected to keep pace. Practise makes perfect here and I can attest to this today, after last night!
Some places have bars of a type recognisable to the UK wanderer and of course, there’ll always be an Irish bar somewhere. Thailand seems to have the greatest preponderance of “British Bars” along with Australian, presumably reflecting the majority demographic of the sex-tourism partakers. Those from the US have to make do.
Major cities will all have facsimiles of “pubs”, some with more success than others. But it’s fun to go exploring. Of course, most hotels will have a bar but they seem to imagine that sticking your bottle on a little paper doily justifies charging four times anywhere else.
Once outside the cities or tourist spots though, and even in some of them, bars will be fairly makeshift affairs, where locals gather to drink whatever poison is the cheapest. Give ‘em a try, they can be a good laugh and everyone will want to practice their sometimes limited English on you. I occasionally use one across the road from my apartment, it’s got two 'door' holes, no windows, four televisions, a peeling tiled floor and plastic chairs. It’s also got no hookers, Madam and the Girls don’t know it exists, you can have the craic with the locals and the barmaid is to die for. So give ‘em a try.
Just take care though, there’s bad boys the world over, so keep your wits about you.
Cheers!
Food and EatingYes, if you want it, there’s a MacDonald's on pretty much every street corner, but why? You have come to the mysterious East, spices and flavours abound, so get stuck in.
Street food is endemic and, for the most part, damn fine. You can go from a red hot Tom Yam soup in Thailand, to barbecued pig intestine in the Philippines, superb noodle dishes in Malaysia and a cheese and ham salad baguette in Vietnam – yes really! All cooked/made on the street before your very eyes. Take your pick.
Eating “foreign” food in the country of your choice can be a bit hit and miss. It will tend to reflect the local taste anyway so, for example, spaghetti bolognaise in a Philippine Italian restaurant will be sweet, as that’s how the Filipino’s like it. And no, don’t ask me why. Although saying that, Bukhara’s Indian restaurant near Nana Skytrain station in Bangkok never, ever fails to please.
You can get stuff like steak ‘n’ chips but be prepared to pay a good wedge of cash for quality. Most beef is pretty ropey, so ideally stick to pork and chicken, although Zuni’s in Greenbelt Mall, Makati will do you a stunningly superb steak of your desire.
Seafood is one of the great treats. It’s super fresh, there’s a huge choice and it’s not silly money. A fiver for two large lobster in Thailand anyone?. Most places have huge tanks, so just point the one you want and be eating in ten minutes time.
So stick local, you won’t go far wrong.
Of course, living here you’ll want to go shopping for food to cook at home, so let’s have a look at that whilst we’re at it.
Yes, you can get HP Sauce and Heinz Tomato Ketchup. Some things are pretty international after all, and you’ll even find Tesco in Malaysia and Thailand. Just don’t expect a UK shopping experience though. If you want to eat exclusively British, you can find speciality shops or sections within some supermarkets, goods priced accordingly.
Like foreign food, supermarkets, although now more “westernised”, are still geared to their local tastes so expect to find aisles and aisles of rice, stacked floor to ceiling, seafood, chicken and pork in huge piles where you help yourself. It all becomes a bit of a free for all, orderly queueing not being an Asian trait. More, “Me first!” Get your elbows out and get stuck in.
As with eating out, chicken and pork (except in Malaysia and Indonesia, although you can get it, often tucked away separately in the supermarket and handled like radioactive waste) tends to be first rate quality and cheap too. Some places will stock Australian beef which is good, but generally avoid local, unless your shoes need new soles. I’ve noticed imported lamb has become more available here in the Philippines, but it comes with a hefty premium. Mutton is easily found though and is fine if you are doing curry or casserole.
For those of you who are vegetarian or on a health diet, things can be a bit more tricky. Malaysia’s not too bad, nor is Thailand, but certainly here, the idea of no meat is a complete anathema, and even veggies are cooked in meat or fish stock. Finding those low-fat products can be difficult as well, it’s often full-lard or nothing.
And talking of vegetables, you can get pretty much anything you can in the UK, plus some stuff you’ve never seen outside of speciality films. In Malaysia, the Cameron Highlands produce superb potatoes, cabbage and cauliflower. Don’t bother with the sprouts though, they never get a frost to give them proper bite. The same is true here of the cool, hilly region around Baguio to the north of Manila, so fresh produce is good and easily available. Fruit is also excellent and everywhere, the melons being particularly superb. You’ll often see melon and pineapple sellers on the street, try some, if only to watch the artistry with which they slice them up for you.
Don’t expect consistency in shopping either. As an example, our local supermarket had some locally made “English Sausages” which actually weren’t too bad and more to the point, the Girls loved them. Two months later they disappeared, never to be seen again. The same company makes a “Hungarian Sausage” which are everywhere, but why? I’ve met loads of Brit ex-pats here but not a single solitary soul from Hungary, so who buys ‘em?
Oh, and if you like to roast the odd chicken or pork joint, make sure your accommodation has an oven. Sounds odd I know, but most food is fried, steamed or boiled so many places just have hobs. Ovens are a Western desire so check it out first.
Getting AroundI suppose, given my profession, we should start with Rapid Transit. I’ll point out now that the following systems are only of use if you live in the respective capitals. Anywhere else, you’re on your own.
Singapore – Always been held up as the pinnacle of SE Asian rapid transit and yes, it’s good. The system is continually being expanded so you are never far away from a station. Trains are fast, clean and frequent. Of late, the network has been creaking a bit due to passenger loadings and the need to operate the systems beyond their design parameters, so a bit of unreliability - perish the thought - has been creeping in, but it’s still far and away the best of the countries we’re talking about.
Bangkok – Has Skytrain, which, amazingly, is an elevated line and brilliant if you are living/staying within striking distance of a station. They also have the MRT, which is a subway. Again, fast and frequent, but the network is still fairly small and limited, although extensions to both lines are planned or underway.
Kuala Lumpur – The three original systems, PUTRA, STAR and Monorail still exist with the first two now renamed and extended. Monorail trundles gently through the “Golden Triangle” of KLCC and is great for getting around locally. Be aware that these three were built in total isolation, so when they say ‘interchange station’ it means anywhere you’ve less than a kilometre walk. One new line is about to open, followed by two more under construction. These are fully integrated and brilliantly planned, although I would say that, wouldn’t I?
Cambodia – Has nowt
Vietnam – Both Hanoi and Saigon have metros under construction. God knows when they’ll be operable though.
Philippines – Had to save the best until last. Hmm, Line 1 is a mobile scrapyard, stations are dark and dingy, queues are horrendous and overcrowding, with associated pocket dipping, is available at any time. More interestingly, it doesn’t go anywhere you’ll want to, so don’t worry about it. To be fair, there is new rolling stock on the way along with an 18km extension, a full track replacement plan and a rolling programme of station upgrades. But it still won't go where you want to.
Incidentally we'll be taking a closer look at Line 1 over the next few weeks, when the latest job starts in January.
Line 2 is a fully automated line, short, fairly new and again, has no destinations we’re interested in, so let’s skip it and move on to…
The ever controversial Line 3. You’d be forgiven for thinking this was opened way longer ago than 2000, it’s wibblepoo. It runs along EDSA and is rammed with punters whenever it is actually working. Best known for its maintenance scandals, where the deal seemed to be pay lots of money to a company run by the then Transport Minister’s cousin (allegedly) for maintenance and watch them ride off into the sunset with it. It’s a shambles and in the UK, would be closed until the many and significant safety issues were addressed – I happen to have a copy of the last condition survey undertaken in 2014 and it’s not got better since then. But don’t worry, they’ve got some new trains that have now started to arrive. Unfortunately, the operator forgot to train any drivers for them, so they are still a rare sight.
You’ll notice that the traditional rail lines haven’t been mentioned here. There’s no point!
Everywhere has taxis, unfortunately.
In Singapore, as mentioned earlier, they are highly regulated (as is everything else), very safe and a good way of getting around if MRT won’t do.
In Thailand, Malaysia and the Philippines, the drivers were born curse word, live as curse word and will die (unfortunately, not quickly enough) as curse word. Their cars are wibblepoo, the meters, “No workee” and apparently they can’t be driven in the rain or “Many traffic.” Be prepared for a Magical Mystery Tour whenever you get in one as the curse word behind the wheel will have no clue of your destination if it’s more that 500m from where he usually sleeps. Use ‘em if you must, you have been warned!
If you like life on the edge, then try the ubiquitous Jeepneys in Manila. On second thoughts, don’t bother, they are made to seat midgets.
My recommendation? Buy a car!*
*Except in Singapore
I can’t leave this section without mentioning by far the quickest, and potentially most dangerous way of getting around Bangkok and other Thai cities – motorbike taxis. These can be found on many street corners, their riders wearing tabards of various colours. Tell him your destination, haggle a bit, refuse his kind offer of a child’s plastic hat, jump aboard, hang on and pray you still have your knees at journey’s end. I kid you not, they really are the only way to travel!
End of Part 2.
The third and final instalment will look at, amongst other things, health, visas, cars and driving, and the many and varied forms of wildlife wishing to share your accommodation.
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Ax GTi Turbo
