Heh. And the swarm of bikes at the end like a swarm of mayflies after a carcass.
Shame I missed the even bigger swarm preceding it!
I like watching your little videos... Micheal Palin should be worried lol
Nice to hear. Just need the networks to pick 'em up then!
Anyway, apologies for not filing much these last few days, I've been involved in a Titanic struggle with HSBC in Hong Kong over a simple little transfer to Manila. However, in the middle of all this, some school stuff happened. This is taken from my 'Letter from Manila' that I send out to some mates in between trying to earn a crust and fighting with banks...
Education“I wandered lonely as a leper” the great Lakeland poet Wordsworth may have written if he had any touch with reality, rather than oft, when on his couch he lay, in vacant or in pensive mood, banging on about daffodils.
And well he might too if he lived in Manila and had to deal with Philippine bureaucracy. I often feel like there are two distinctly separate conversations going on at times. The one I’m having, or trying to have, and a completely separate one that the person I’m talking to is conducting. I may as well not be there at all.
Holy week marks nearly the end of the school year here. I say nearly, as the Bottle Openers had to go in last Thursday and Friday for clearance, whatever that is. I reckon it’s to get them used to later life, completing endless, pointless forms and spending two days queuing a lot. Anyways, they trip-trap home the other day, in the middle of the Battle of the Banks, saying that their teacher needs their 137 forms. “They’ve got ‘em, Lass” I responded kindly, “Gave ‘em to the school when you enrolled.”
“Teacher says she need our 137 form.” See, the two conversation thing already and she’s only 12!
Just to explain, the 137 forms are provided by the elementary school when the kids leave to hit secondary education. It’s basically a big report card which, you will remember from nearly 12 months back, we had a titanic struggle to obtain from their previous schools. (
I think this is somewhere in the Range Rover thread for those with lots of time on their hands)So, stirring from my oft laid upon couch, but hanging onto my pensive mood, I headed over to see the school registrar, the Keeper of All Documentation.
“My girls tell me you need their 137 forms and I’ve just popped in to tell you that we gave them in when they enrolled last year”
“That is correct, without these forms we cannot complete clearance”
“Yes, but we don't have them, I provided them to you when they enrolled last year. ”
“If you have lost them, you will need to go to your children’s old schools and get new ones”
“But I haven’t lost them, I gave them to you. You wouldn’t enrol them without, remember?”
“Then you bring the new forms here and we can complete clearance”
“But you already have them”
“We cannot complete clearance without the 137 forms”
“I understand that, but you have them already”
Then I pulled my masterstroke. You see, when we enrolled them, the school helpfully gave us a huge checklist of stuff to provide which, as each item was handed over, they would tick off, sign, and give me the list back. I had kept this and handed it to her.
“Ah, you provided them when they enrolled, I see. Then we must already have them. I will search, thank you”
Give. Me. Strength!
Oh, go on then, as a bonus, have a little tale of banking in Asia...
Wunch of Bankers 3 – or Day 25It is the 17th March.
The words, “If any person can show just cause or impediment, why this man and his money may not lawfully be joined together, let him now speak, or else hereafter for ever hold his peace.” echo round the building.
A bank stands up at the back. It is HSBC from Hong Kong.
“Erm, we strongly object to this union”
“Oh, and on what grounds?” enquires the cleric, somewhat aghast. He’s never had one of his ceremonies objected to before. Normally they go like clockwork, start at ten sharp, down the pub for a cold one and a game of darts with Norman the plumber by eleven.
“Well, er he’s been with another bank, or something, and it’s all their fault. Not ours, oh no”
“And is that relevant to the current situation?”
“Anyway, we don’t know where he lives or anything, so it can’t happen.”
“Are you sure?” asks the Priest, now a little frustrated, “We have proof of his current address and I was under the impression that so did all others in the building, including you. Indeed, weren't you provided with this just two weeks before the transfer as part of an annual account review?”
“Werl, not
actually sure now you ask, Bishop, but we’re conducting a thorough investigation as to the circumstances and have escalated the matter, through the relevant channels, to the appropriate department.”
“And what”, the Priest queries, “happens whilst you conduct this enquiry?”
“All we can say at this point in time is that we’ve sent a message to HSBC Manila to clarify some information, only the pigeon hasn’t arrived, see? Could be lost, could have had a heart attack halfway, could be Pigeon and Roquefort Risotto with Asian Pear, Mushrooms à la Grecque and a Wild Raspberry just by now for all we know. Hard to tell, with pigeons. But just as soon as we’ve finished training up the new one, we’ll send another message to our partner bank in an attempt to try and resolve the issue via our back office. Then we’ll update you.”
“Can you not just call them, and ask?”
“Call, call? Easy for you to say Cardinal. You may not realise, but that would entail picking up a handset with all the associated manual handling issues, then dialling a number, a foreign one at that. All them digits, a sure fire way to set off the old repetitive strain injury, and then actually
talk to someone. A total stranger no less. Think of the diseases, not to mention the possible damage to the wossname, eardrums. Oh no, it’s not that simple Pontiff. Start asking people to risk things like that in this day and age, we could be looking at another Tiananmen Square. The old ways are still the best.”
“And will your other method take long?”
“Judging by our current performance, we’d advise the happy couple not to start celebrating for at least 25 days.”
