1995 Range Rover P38 4.6 HSE - Cool Running

So the good things about living here; the beer is cheap, fags are cheap, fuel is cheap, it's hot all year round, the women are beautiful (so I'm told) and your never stuck for somewhere to go on holiday.

The downside? The heat knackers your Range Rovers interior plastics.



Had the missing piece and found somewhere that could do a fiberglass repair on this. Did a good job too. Handily, they've also moved down to the other end of Luzon island, a little far away now!

So I really need one of these



And definitely need one of these



I also need the rear parcel shelf surround as mines cream crackered and the high level brake light trim with the chances of finding those here somewhere between slim and none.

Imagine my delight then whilst perusing rangerovers.net I come across a post from Scotty, my earstwhile valve block rebuild kit supplier, saying he's re-starting his parts supply company. So I ask if he ever comes across the bits I need and this morning, he mails me to say he's found a scrapper with the correct interior and that all the bits I need are there. Coming in at a real good price as well. Just waiting on total with shipping from California and they'll be winging their way Philippine-wards.

A good result for a Saturday.

Meantime, I'm off to get a new air-con filler valve fitted in an hour or so. Mine decided to puke it's Freon out, hence the issue last weekend. So all being well, we'll be nice and cold again.

Meanwhile I've been asked on several occasions in the past about what sort of work could be done by folk wishing to migrate to this island paradise and, to this end, I have produced a handy pull-out-and-keep guide to entrepreneurship in the Philippines so...

The opportunities for successful businesses in the Philippines are many and varied. Today, we’ll just look at a few of the avenues open to those wishing to plough their own furrow, free of the bonds of managerial servitude or indeed, any contact with the revenue service.

The Buko Juice Seller

Buko is a young coconut, not the brown hairy thing that we Europeans are used to, which are old coconuts and called niyog, of course.
In order to succeed in this business area, you’ll need a wooden cart, a sharp machete, a large white plastic jar (with red lid), a supply of little plastic cups, a spoon and, of course, some young coconuts.

Starting this business with as many figures as possible is considered a bonus as waving your machete around soon whittles their numbers down. Three on each hand is considered the absolute minimum number before you start to drop everything and enter enforced retirement.

You’ll also need to learn to shout ‘BUUUUUUUOOOOO” very loudly as you push your wares through Tondo’s leafy avenues. This is called “advertising”.

The Refuse Collector
For this venture, you’ll need a wooden cart (can we see a pattern developing here children?), stout flip-flops, a brush and a robust constitution. Some of the more professional carry old sacks with them to pile the rubbish into, those of a more frugal nature don’t, and just drip.

The idea is that you push your cart along the road steadfastly ignoring all rubbish and litter until the stench finally disgusts even the strongest Filipino nose, whereupon someone will offer you 20 Pesos to shift it. This is where the strong stomach comes in. It also helps if you like cockroaches. The upside is that you’ll never have to wait in a queue again.

You won’t need to spend a fortune with Saatchi & Saatchi either, folks’ll know you are coming from three streets away.

The Hardware Shop
A little more capital intensive than the first two as a start-up, but this can reap its own rewards. One, it’s more socially acceptable to the opposite sex than refuse collection and two, you are less likely to lose your fingers than lopping the tops off coconuts.

For equipment you’ll need, yes, you guessed it, a wooden cart, some surplus umbrellas and…well, that’s about it really. Apart from some stuff to sell. This ideally should be made from the lowest grade plastic available, guaranteeing that whatever you sell this week will need replacing by next and thus ensuring a steady stream of repeat customers.

Advertising is undertaken at a subliminal level here. Your cart is so overloaded it takes an age to move anywhere and as you do, you block the entire street, bringing everything to a standstill. You are therefore pretty much immobile for most of the time, giving people plenty of opportunity to realise their week-old bucket has now split and to remember they need another.

The Washing Machine Hirer
Personal ownership of washing machines in Tondo is low. Not because people don’t launder their clothes, they do, but because it’s considered a major capital expense, right up there with wooden carts. This being the case, there are basically two choices:
1) Continue the eons old tradition of bashing clothes on something, or
2) Hire a washing machine

Obviously we are looking at a more upmarket business here, so no wooden carts for you. At the very least you’ll need a pedal sidecar with which to transport your wares. Obviously, the other essentials are some washing machines. Condition isn’t too important here and it seems that as long as it holds water and makes some sort of noise when it’s switched on, your customers will be satisfied.

Advertising is pretty irrelevant as well. As you pedal your sidecar full of washing machines along the boulevard you can only be one of two things; an passionate collector of all things washing machine-y who, to be honest, are a bit thin on the ground, or a Washing Machine Hirer and we reckon that even Mrs Sanchez could tell the difference.

The A La Cart Roadside Café
An ideal business for those aspiring to be the next Jamie Oliver or, dare we say it, the voluptuous Nigella Lawson, but who have absolutely zero culinary flair. You see the beauty of Philippine cuisine is that there are only two recipes; fry it, or boil it. Couple this with the fact that the only important ingredients are pork fat, offal and rice, then even the most challenged should be capable of knocking something up that someone will pay ten Pesos for. Remember, quantity not quality is the key to success here and, if you can get away with it, neither.

In order to be successful in this venture you’ll need a wooden cart and not just any old wooden cart either, but a bespoke, craftsman built wooden cart. This will, when unfolded, provide cooking, serving, eating and seating areas to your lucky punters. It will also fall apart.

 
The main difficulty we can envisage with this enterprise is the retention of customers as listeria, E-coli, amoebic dysentery, etc., run wild through their numbers, thinning them out like an Uzi on full auto.

 
However, looking on the bright side, your severely limited menu is more than compensated for by the sheer range of fascinating and exotic bacteria you are able to offer.

Advertising is not necessary as you’ll soon draw a and large curious crowd to watch your diners clutch their throats whilst frothing at the mouth as they contort wildly in their death throes.

The Single Menu Mobile Café

Very similar to the above, but with lower CAPEX/OPEX and a more limited range of ailments on offer.

The Sidecar Driver
Ah, the Gondola of Tondo. This romantic and ubiquitous mode of transport can be seen plying their trade at all times of day and night. Unless it rains. Or is dark. Or is hot. Or the driver’s asleep, which is most of the time.

As a start-up, there is a fair capital investment required but absolutely zero maintenance costs (rusty chains and squeaky wheels are de rigueur and seen as an essential part of the overall customer journey experience) will soon see this recouped.

These knights of the road can be instantly recognised for their lean, sinewy bodies hardened over years of attempting to pedal Mrs Sanchez, a month’s worth of rice and her brood of seven along the rutted streets.

Apart from a sidecar, you’ll need a compete inability to communicate intelligibly in any known language whilst retaining the skill of dreaming up ridiculous prices on the spot which, in Tondo, is anything over 10 Pesos.

Advertising consists of nodding the head and making grunting noises.

The Green Lipped Mussel Seller
Perhaps one of the least capital intensive of all the start-ups here. All that is required is a large metal bowl for your wares, which is carried on the head.
The goods too are free, harvested by your virgin daughters (so that’s any under the age of around eleven then) in the silvery light of a full moon from the pristine waters of Manila Bay. Whilst you can’t compete on the disease front with other food vendors, you are certainly able to offer an unrivalled range of heavy metals.

We haven’t got a picture of this particular enterprise as the vendors ply their trade in the early hours and apparently the flash startles the stock.

Attract your customers by shouting, “MOOOOUUUUUUU” as you walk along.

The Stuff Wrapped in Leaves Seller

We have absolutely no idea what is being sold here and the jaunty cry of, “OOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU” doesn’t really give much away either. However, as we’ve never seen anyone buying anything from this business, we cannot really recommend it.

Come to think of it, we’ve never seen anyone buying the mercury flavoured mussels either.

The Private Parking Attendant
Not to be confused with “The Official Parking Attendant” who has a uniform, is pleasant and does weird stuff like issue receipts. No, this little bunch of raggedy-arsed entrepreneurs need nothing more than a spare piece of pavement and a wave of the arms to attract their punters, like mackerel to a spinner.

It will be noted that whilst this venture is entirely free of any start-up or operating costs, as most of the time your demand for payment will be met with the response, “Pakyu ka”, roughly translated as, “F**K you”, it is also almost completely without income.

Conclusions?
Not really, but what to do? As can be seen, there are a myriad of choices for the aspiring self-employed and we’ve only really scratched the surface of the sheer range of opportunities out there. There’s the Stuff-on-a-Stick Seller for example, who can be seen doing a roaring trade with those who like their stuff, on a stick.
So, you pays your money and you takes your choice, in the Philippines the world is indeed, your cadmium filled oyster.